The day I became an 'aunty'

I am 28 years-old, married and this makes me 'old' by Indian standards. And women folk (peers)around me ensure that I am aware of my age.

In Mumbai, where people in your building don't believe in spending time knowing each other because it's just wastage of time, I too joined the cult of 'unknown neighbors' when I moved 2 years back to the city. Having changed by house twice already I (and my husband) are ignorant about other families living on the same floor.

We do run into one of the couples now and then in corridors but there's no chance to engage in a lengthy introductions since singular lift on the floor (accommodates just 4) ensures that only couples (with their little ones) use the lift by themselves.

But this did not happen on Saturday, when I found myself with a 3-year old Mrigank and his mom (whom I saw closely for the first time; we are separated by a concrete wall). It happened as following:

Me: (in lift, pressed the button to my floor; mentally recalling the veggies I had in my fridge that could go in veg stew)

Just as lift doors are about to shut, this kid hops in and holds the door for his mom who is pants in after him, carrying a sand bucket and toy shovel.

I smile at the kid, my best smile.

Kid: (looks back at mom and chirps) Maammy, aunty is smiling.

My smile dropped at word 'aunty.' How dare that runt call me aunty, was the first thought that blazed through my head.

The Maammy looks at me, smiles and tells her kid: Mrigank, say hello to Aunty.

That woman actually encouraged the kid to call me 'Aunty'.

Kid: Aunty, what is in the bag? (pointing towards my paper bag that had some latest mags and books)

Me: (recovering from the shock) Err, aa...it has my books. (mentally cursing the lift that seemed to take forever to reach to the 10th floor)

Kid: (turning to his mom) Maammy, is Aunty in school?

Maammy: (clearly enjoying her role) No beta. Aunty goes to office...like Papa.

Ping...the lift reached tenth floor and I jump out.

Kid follows to my door: Aunty, why do you go to school on Saturday?

He had a point! But I didn't want to be a part of his conversation anymore. I wanted to escape and the key refused to come out of my purse, giving the kid ample time to drill me with questions - all starting with the tag, 'AUNTY'

No wonder people in Mumbai don't mingle, as they don't want to to be told or realise how old or ancient they are becoming while running life's rat race. I am a part of the Mumbai crowd and I dont want to be told that I am now an 'Aunty'. My graduation from a 'didi' to 'aunty' happened in the lift ride!

Don't believe these myths about marriage

If you are a sucker (like me) for late night TV, enjoy classic movies, listen to love songs, or read romantic novels, then you may have an image of marriage that never, ever was. And I discovered this after 2 whole years of being married.

MYTH No 1:
I had always heard married women -- just a little older than myself talking how -- how babies really bring the couples closer.

And I wondered , really? Now that I am married and have some experience, I can rubbish this one. I mean babies (I am talking after seeing 4 such examples) can probably make you more sympathetic towards other one's condition and on rare occasions there's a cute moment. But really guy, babies cannot be your bonding glue.

Either you have that connection with your partner or simply not. I have seen friends struggle so hard with the changes in their body and keep their emotions in check after they have had babies. Women are exhausted (so are the poor fathers) and couples are constantly being questioned whether they are doing it right (by unruly relatives). Usually the woman feels she is doing way more than her share and is very resentful and disappointed in her partner, but most of it initially is hormones. A woman's body just goes nuts and it BOTHERS her (guys listen).

MYTH No 2
Romance will always be alive in a good marriage. Yes, how cool would this be? It was in past that the father was the breadwinner and the mother made the bread. So mother probably had time, patience and energy to think of many innovative ways to keep the partner happy. Think gorgeous amounts of food, house decorations and ...

Fact is that all relationships experience peaks and valleys -- and if you have office stress clouding upon both partners then better be more realistic. Even the tiniest problems and challenges of life, work and grocery (!) can ruin romantic feelings.

MYTH No 3
Your spouse should be your best friend, and believe me this statement was parroted by every woman and man I knew before marriage. But why should my husband be my best friend? What's wrong in him being just a good husband?

Women (and men too) like to impose that all married men and women need to be best friends to make a marriage successful. Really, but why?

Probably, over the years you would develop an amazing friendship with the person you are married to. But it doesn't necessarily start off that way, not in Indian arranged marriage. So what's the point trying to expect something that is not applicable to your situation. I am not my husband's best friend and vice-versa but that does not mean I am having a bad marriage or have ruined my life. We talk, as friends would but that's the end of it.

And you may not tell your spouse everything, but it doesn't mean you are not close.

MYTH No 4
This one's hilarious, and I have fallen into this trap more than I am proud of. The idea of romance, as we understand from movies is that 'my spouse should know my needs without my saying anything.' HA!

I have had my fights over this one and that's why I can say with true wisdom that just because you're married doesn't mean you can read minds. You have to tell your spouses what your needs are -- like I do on every birthday, anniversary and on every occasion when I need some gift/pampering from my husband. It works, just fine.

MYTH No 5
If you like getting compliments then learn to give them back too. I have learnt it (and still learning) -- Don’t take your spouse for granted. I try hard to remove myself from seeing the dirty smelly T-shirts, socks and shoes, unkempt toiletries, the weight gain among many many many other things. Sometimes it's hard to focus on what's positive but I kick myself every time I forget what a great person I married.

Nobody wants to be taken for granted — everyone wants to be appreciated.

PS: There are many more myths, but these were my top picks. Would love to hear what's your.

Change is inevitable

Men change and so do women, and I am talking about the event of marriage here. If you married a man through an arranged match (just like millions of Indian girls just like me) you would have begun to notice the slight (or not so slight) changes in your husband, loosely speaking. Speaking for myself, I entered the marriage as a coupling ceremony, which effectively is like saying goodbye to individuality and hello to being one half of my man.

But after 18 months of being married, all my theories about marriage have gone out of the window and practicality has begun to kick in -- hard. Just like this following data that I got from a random email forward:

Academics have found cohabiting couples are far more likely than those who are married to split housework evenly - but after the wedding they revert to stereotype, with the woman taking on the great majority of tasks.

The study argues that the effect holds true even in couples with a strongly egalitarian outlook before they are married, at which point women become less likely to fight for their rights.

As I read this mail, I realised that it was true in my case too. The first thought that zipped through my head was -- Yikes, the academics were right about me. So, is my marriage a text-book case? Eww...really!

When two people get married and perhaps live together for the first time (like I did with my husband), they wake up to the fact that there are many mundane chores to do around the house rather the home they cohabit. A woman will silently assign duties to herself and at the same time assigns duties to her husband. What she may not do however is communicate these expectations to her husband. She has realised her function in her new home and she expects her better half to have realised the same too. Well, atleast I did so.

So, the biggest change after an arranged marriage is usually adjusting to the fact that instead of each of us doing our own thing, we have another person in the house who had to be taken into account too. Instead of just caring for themselves, there is another being that had to be involved too. This can be a very stressful time for women like me, who like to involve themselves in everything, if the proper planning is not done.

Today, I have come to terms with the fact that my husband will not do as I direct every time. But I have had my small victories too. Hubby dear believes that he can continue to go out with the boys after work for a pint so that he can avoid the dreaded grocery shopping and more importantly paying for the huge grocery bills. But what he does not realise that the monthly grocery shoppings are still always done with him and it is only the smaller ones that get accomplished by his wife, when he is enjoying his peaceful Sunday afternoon watching sports or sleeping. Nonetheless, the wife (that's me) has taken over the headache of keeping a track of rations in the house after marriage, a big hassle that I had not bargained for before my marriage.

Recently, I met a male acquaintance who is about to be married. I asked him, if anything will change for him after marriage and he casually replied "No, why should it?," he came back. Why indeed. Now I can't wait to see him married, so that I can ask him the same question again.

Parents-by-law

I have lived exactly 6 days and 5 nights with my parents in-laws in their home in Bulandshehar (somewhere in UP). And they have lived for 14 days and 13 nights at my home in Mumbai.

Their forthcoming visit (starting June 9)will be my third (post marriage) meeting with them. Quite predictably, I'm jittery and nervous and to add to my woes, I am being constantly reminded that it's my 'inspection time.' (courtesy friends and everyone around me) Worse, I followed an advert link on my Google homepage that led me to this.

"Partners will have expectations of continued involvement with each of his family member, which can result in you (that's me) having to develop cordial relationships with his mother, father, and siblings – regardless of your feelings about them. In addition, these people have all had a relationship with shared memories -- good and bad -- that are not part of your relationship. This alone can trigger uncomfortable feelings for someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), as BPs may have a great deal of difficulty knowing how to relate to these seemingly random people."

This piece of information led me to think and reason about my increased sensitivity to rejection, which also make me think that my in-laws could be unhappy with me or even reject. So, what does that mean? Am I the one with BPD...when did that happen? Did my marriage turn me into a BPD?

A deep breath. The post is to highlight how anxious an average married woman feels when her in-laws come visiting. And it has nothing to do with arranged or love marriage. In my case, (as my husband lists) it is about whether they will approve of my domain --my home.
"It is the anxiety and much-created hype around the relationship that takes its toll," explains my husband.

To an extent he is correct. He estimated my mental state, after he saw the groceries that I had bought, in anticipation of my in-laws' arrival. My kitchen now has extra dinner sets, an array of ready-made meals (in case the food is burnt or too salted or too oily) along with a more-than-sufficient ration of pulses and best Basmati rice.

My own explanation to this "in-law phobia" is probably the difference in upbringing (between me and my husband's). I know that every family has its own values, traditions and routines. Everything, from the way children should be brought up to how housework should be done, is deeply ingrained in a unique family blueprint. And as far as I see, my in-laws' blueprint is very different from mine. This predictable strikes off a set of differences of opinion and problems.

I know, from my mother-in-law's last visit, that she does not expect me to return home from a hectic work day to slave off in kitchen. She in fact, keeps a hot meal ready by the time I reach home, a luxury for any working woman. My father-in-law, who loves his morning walks, loves to go out with me for a peaceful walk. I am not expected to prance around in sarees, although I know they would ideally like to see me in a traditional Indian outfit once in a while. They like my cooking and say it too. We have never had a disagreement among ourselves.

I do feel that my mother-in-law does have a softer corner for my husband (over me), but can I really blame her for that? Doesn't my mother display a more than affectionate side when she comes visiting me? And, if all the above are true, then why do I still feel anxious?

I never thanked my mom!

It takes me less than 10 seconds to go from zero (absolute normal self) to boiling point level. And usually it happens to me over the most lame topics one can imagine. Like the one I am about to blog about. But it did manage to jolt me up.

Two days back, I bought a dozen Alphonso mangoes (along with week's grocery) on my way back from office. Now, mangoes are not my passion food nor am I a foodie. It was just a little more work that I did that day - a box of mangoes, which were "the season's best" as assured by the shopkeeper. So I felt very good about getting those mangoes at Rs 180 (for 12 pieces).

Back home, I even skipped dinner to dig my teeth into "season's best" mangoes. The conflict began when my husband brushed those off as "just another variety of mangoes." Worse, he continued, "You should have waited for another 10 days, the prices would have been cheaper and quality would have better."
This last one really got me going.

I am the one who went out to buy the mundane groceries and drag all of that back home in anticipation that hubby dear would appreciate the pain. But he brushed it off as 'no big deal!' WOW. The mangoes didn't really leave a great taste, as you'd have figured until now.

But on the hindsight, I came face-to-face to a new fact. You don't realise this, but it happens to most of us. We somewhere along the line begin to emulate our mothers (in case of married women, that is) and aunties, whom we looked upon as ones from past generation with regressive ideas.

I remember how my mom who always cribbed about her never-ending chores around the house and getting no appreciation in return (she has been a proud home-maker all her life) used to irk us (me and my elder sister) so much when we were kids. My mom did all shopping, grocery, budget management, and a endless list of stuff. My father, like million other Indian father, was never really involved in the realms of running the household. In a way it was never expected of him too. He was the male member in an Indian household who was applauded and lathered with affection for every single rupee earned, every vacation that he arranged for us, every long drive in a shiny Maruti 800 he gave us & mom, every birthday party he asked mom to arrange for his daughters, and every restaurant he took us to.

Mom, silently, cooked the lavish birthday party buffets, managed the picnic baskets on the long drive, packed those thoughtful paper napkins and cups for every single train vacation, and efficiently spent the monthly budgets on knick-knacks to dress up her daughters to restaurants. We never even gave those actions a second thought!

Today, if my 'extra work' of grocery and shopping for my home doesn't get me the required attention and appreciation, I flare up! I can only call up my mom now and tell her subtly that I have learnt everything about running a house from her including balancing professional and personal commitments.

She's the hero we never thanked. WOW!

To be social...or not

Off late, I have noticed that single women (and I mean, mostly women) expect a married women to behave in a certain way. For instance, I have a sweet little (she’s a young thing at work) friend cum colleague, who jumps to my defence every time she finds any male counterpart even remotely flirting or indicating something akin.

“You know na…her hubby will come and bash you,” she said rising to my defence and making her point to the men around. As if the i-banker hubby (roll my eyes) would draw on his superman’s cape to save his beloved! (snigger)

Now, I know her intentions are pretty sweet, and I am flattered but then this also makes me think if married women are to be sanctified in a certain role. Its like – now that you have a partner back home, your life (read focus, concentration and of course all affection whatsoever) is assumed to be around the same. Noticeably, this trend has been more visible on my female friends than male.

So, is move to wedded bliss looked as a sweep to brush unwed friends under the rug? I think that’s both hilarious and preposterous. Within a year and 3 months of my marriage, I have become more social and more reachable for my friends (read single friends), leading me to the conclusion that marriage does not reduce a couple's ties to the larger community but actually helps in increasing it.

As married couple we have been socializing more often (than ever before in our respective pasts). The reason, speaking for me that is, once married I have become much more secure about my feelings and trust. This in turn clears your head and makes you more sociable. The fact that I and my hubby HAPPILY attend parties and similar social gatherings alone with our own set of friends (as there’s no point dragging spouses along when they probably won’t fit in the gathering) makes others wonder if we have gone mad already, or even bored perhaps.

You make me feel...

How often do you hear yourself saying this to your husband or even a boy friend, “You make me feel . . .” and the end of the sentence depends on the feeling of the day, the hour, or the minute!

You make me feel like a million dollars.

You make me feel worthless.

You make me feel beautiful and sexy. (Though this one happens rarely)

You make me so angry! ... So happy! ... So sad! ... So mad! ... So bad! ...So glad!

You make me feel like I don’t do anything all day long.

I think of myself as an intuitive person who’s perceptions->emotion->thought process is very quick and hard to pin down. It's very alien for me to actually think purposely about things. Whereas my husband is a slow processor, thinking things through methodically over a long period of time. Needless to say that can create some difficulties.

But I am learning the hard way. I realise that I need to separate my feelings from my husband. Instead of saying, “You make me feel…” I say, “I feel…” I have come to believe that it is okay to feel lonely, afraid, or hurt, but you have to own those feelings as your own without blaming them on others.

We Indians are emotional fools and that's perhaps why we need to strike that invisible balance enough togetherness to survive and enough separateness to thrive.

Hon, is everything okay?

"He doesn't get you roses...Oh ma God...Honey, is everything okay?" cooed one of my friends, on discovering that my husband does nothing which can be even remotely labeled as romantic.

To be fair, she was one of those varieties whose boyfriends had wooed her with flowers and chocolates and now husband dear was kept busy trying to find innovative ways to surprise and delight her. I won't really blame her for thinking that I had prematurely turned into a old hag after marriage. This babe, having spent an exhilarating week shopping at the Dubai Shopping festival, was back in India only to plan out her summer getaway with her pilot hubby, who was flying to destinations across Europe on work.

I made the mistake of wondering aloud, "Really, why would he get me roses...we don't even have an appropriate vase or a table to keep it back home." See, in when you are living in a rented flat in Mumbai, there's little that you feel like to buy for the house as your lease will soon expire and the landlord in all probability will throw you out with your furniture and vases too.

This really got my friend going. "Oh no...You have become such a hard cookie, hon! What's wrong with you?" She asked, looking absolutely aghast. She went on to pity me so much that I started to worry, if I had really missed out on something in my year-old marriage.

But really, on hind sight, why will I want my husband to bring me long stemmed roses or chocolates? I am always on a superficial diet, so I will feign my disinterest towards calorified-chocs and roses...well, to be honest, they will look nice in the house but I really am not a person who appreciates such subtleties. So, why is my husband wrong?

According to my globetrotter friend, he's doing NOTHING to make me happy and multiply any romance in our relationship. The latter part was spat out practically in disgust, as she realized how naive I have been to secrets of marriage-hood.

For records, I am not deriding romance. I am not saying that people should not do little things for each other like fluffing a pillow, perhaps. I am merely saying that me and my i-banker hubby are not doing 'nice things' for each other and yet we are happy. Well, most of the times.

I had to beg him to get me flowers and practically directed him to get me my a birthday gift, quite aware of the fact that he did it because he wanted to avoid a scene. On his birthday, I wanted to throw a party but he insisted that a take-out tandoori chicken would suffice instead.

On our first holi, the most romanticised hindu festival, we both slept peacefully completely enjoying the mid-week holiday. On our first anniversary, we managed to go to a nice secluded beach & topped the vacation with a cosy cottage, but that too was accomplished since we managed to hire the cottage at Rs 700 per head (all meals included) and according to the i-banker husband, "It was a great value-for-money deal."

So, sorry if I am not rooting for a romantic life but I do believe marriage is about realising and being happy with the real & everyday side of your partner and not change him/her to suit your lifestyle.

You don't look like that...

I had an arranged marriage and am proud say that it’s not ‘uncool’. I often hear my friends or people who know me remarking that I don't look the types to get into an arranged marriage.

Just other day, an old college friend who bumped into my Facebook profile sent a private message wondering aloud how and why did I opt for an arranged marriage. She wrote and I am quoting her verbatim: "Are you serious? ... you got yourself a boy who carried a stamped approval from your parents.....you didn't seem to be the types to give in so easily. Is all well?"

I almost sensed her accusation through this note.

Now, I wonder if that was really the impression I sent out to my friends. I wasn't the arranged marriage types! (Huh!) And why is that as youngsters we do not want to be caught dead promoting the concept of parents/family approving a guy beforehand. It's not all that bad, and I can say that from my own experience.
In fact, now my husband and I are sort of marriage counselors to our young bachelor friends who are in two minds about the fundamentals of ‘arranged marriage.’

“How do you figure out in one meeting that this girl (or guy) is for me,” wondered a bachelor friend of my hubby. Looking at me, and I could almost anticipate his next line of question, “Did you see him (pointing to my husband) and something went abuzz in your mind?”

Uh...well, it was nothing similar to that, I replied. I met my i-banker hubby at a 5-star hotel’s coffee shop and had trouble even focusing on him since the live music band was so fantastic. I actually wanted to tell him to shut-up and let me listen to the classic jazz band, but of course I didn’t do anything like that.
And no, I didn’t have to answer any of the cliched questions like “my favourite hobbies” and “do I cook” as it didn’t figure on our priority lists. We instead discussed our individual careers and how we wanted to reach at our goals. The bachelor friend was surprised and probably even disappointed that we weren’t fitting the average ‘arranged marriage’ couple bill.

“Oh, so you guys didn’t really ask each other too many questions.” He rued. Now this friend was in middle of scanning matrimony proposals that his parents kept sending his way.

My single lined advice for him was – “Don’t fret so much before you meet a prospective girl. Just ask what you think you want to know about her work or her life. If you do strike a chord then you won’t have to whack your head to think of questions, conversation will flow between you guys.”
We did that, and guess it worked.

Although, I don’t have any qualms in admitting the fact that my husband is someone who thinks diametrically opposite (to me) and doesn’t really believe in pampering my whims but he's a dead practical, i-banker who explains realities to me in banking concepts. Somewhere, I have to admit that this is what I need to keep me grounded in life. But then again, I can do with a little bit of pampering and time-to-time cuddling!

We don't date...we just marry

I never dated my husband. Like 90 per cent of the Indian youngsters, I (and my husband) gave in to the easy way of parents setting up a mutual meeting followed by a convenient marriage. Getting married was an easy task. It was all made to look natural (felt natural too) and everybody play-acted their parts to the hilt. I played the coy bride and my hubby played the cool groom.

Today, after 14 months of marriage I am beginning to realise that my husband is a tough nut to crack. During the courtship period, if you may allow me to call the 7 month period we had after agreeing to an arranged marriage, I had him tagged as a mild-natured i-banker who probably had his career blueprint in his mind. Well, so I believed.

It took me 10 months to come face to face to the fact that the in-house i-banker was not only mild-natured but also did not believe in talking. He wasn't really minting money and had no clue of where his career would take him economy like like.

It took me 11 months to realise that my husband was not the average storybook hero who could handle everything on his own. He was not even distantly romantic and gave explanations that were beyond my logic.

This is how he comforts me when I am feeling low about my physical self. "In economic terms, we both are depreciating assets," the i-banker in him reasons, adding more fuel to my woes, "Let me explain, you're 26 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5-7 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest so you can stay happy for another 7 years!"

After good 14 months, I have concluded that my husband is a very cut and dried human being and has his own set of quirks. But my marriage has also unlocked a few new secret for me. I now know for sure that your man doesn't have to be your best friend.
(That's why you've had a best girlfriend all along, right?)

Next, it doesn't matter if he doesn't dance.(Common interests are less important than shared values.)

In arranged marriages, you will open your eyes to what makes a guy perfect for you...and then the marriage will help you find him, date him, and keep falling in love with him forever.