Half here, half there

Ever wondered how we women, who call themselves modern sometimes think/act in ways that can only be classified as those of the older generation.

I think I am one of those -- who has one leg in the modern world and the other stuck firmly in traditions that are practiced by the older generation. I conveniently switch between the two worlds as and when it suits me, without realizing that I am being irrational and probably unfair to certain people around me.

The latest incident that brought me face to face with this situation was when I was visiting my in-laws and had to go to a local bazaar for some small shopping. Now, I consider myself as an independent working woman who knows how to make way in the big bad corporate world. So, why does it so happen that when I am in a crowded marketplace, I expect my husband to stay close to me so that he protects me from street creeps! I also expect him to watch out for me while we traverse the crowded lanes and not walk jauntily ahead of me. Why does that happen? I don't have an easy answer to that.

If I am independent woman (who has lived on her own in hostel for over 4 years), then why my husband has to keep a protective eye on me? How come I expect him to do that? The only answer that stares back at me is that I do think like my mother who expects (and gets) this attention from my father. And me and my mom are two different people with diverse sets of ambitions.

In another instance, I realized that after marriage I have begin to expect things from my partner, which were earlier easily done on my own. Like I always had a blast going shopping with my friends (window shopping, street side shopping and basically any type of shopping) but today, I just have to drag my lazy husband on these rounds. And as I write this post, I see that it has been such a futile exercise. Because, even if he tags along, his listless attitude does not help me in way. Result, he gives no opinion on my buys, definitely does not pick up my shopping bills (thankfully, here I don't expect him to pay) and is always scratching his head listlessly (another habit that irks me to no end). So, what good does it do to me to drag him along?

I try to think hard when did I change and exactly when did I get stuck in such old-fashioned thoughts of my husband being my protector in crowded lanes?

It's Diwali...so how many days?

"So, how many days for you," asked my friend to me. She's a newly married girl, settled in Mumbai with her husband. The question was to check with me the duration of my stay in my in-laws place for Diwali. (PS: She was dreading her first ever Diwali visit to her MIL who lives in another city.)

What was the rational of having that conversation? It's festival time and that's also a time for most married women, who live away from their mother/father-in-laws, to pay a visit and resume their roles as domesticated daughter-in-laws. No need to mention that it is also the time when you are required and obliged to forfeit your time off from work (that is, for women like me who live in Mumbai and travel to Delhi to visit family for Diwali) to invest it on your husband's family.

I am okay to do so. After all, I am told I have two mummies and two papas.

Okay....

So, why cant I spend time equally among the two?, I asked my mother. And her apologetic reply was, "Beta, they (referring to my in-laws) get the first preference...(a pause and then) plus, it's your duty."

I complained, "But Mom, if you are my mom and it's my vacation too (as is my husband's) then don't we get to spend equal time with both parents. Why the preferential treatment?" I have never really understood why one papa-mummy (like in-laws) get VIP treatment over the other.

She replies (making no sense to me), "This is not how it is done and you cant change things." The last bit of the sentence was when my mom got emotional and I could do nothing over the phone.

My parents, who have two daughters (me and my elder sister), have always driven into our heads that we are equal to other male cousins in our family, in every way. I chose my profession, married only when I figured the guy was right and take holidays only when I want to take time off from work.

My logic is simple - I am a working woman, earning and living my life just like my husband. We both leave home and come back at the same time. We both have job pressures and deadlines that eats up every bit of energy in us. So, when he takes a break to relax with his family, don't I get the same liberty. Or is it to be decided by society that I should spend X days here and X-1 days with my parents?

Luckily for me, my MIL (a working woman herself) seemed to understand my situation. Being a journalist (and also someone who has just recently taken 41 days off for a vacation), I ain't getting any Diwali holidays this year (this remains a fact) but I I do get the chance to work from my office in Delhi (which is also my parents home base).

Hearing about my lack of holidays, my MIL told me over phone, "It's all right. You can come for the main Diwali day (which is on weekend) and go back before Monday to resume your work." The big highlight of this conversation was that SHE UNDERSTOOD !

She understood that her daughter-in-law who's mad after her job, will not take days off to spend them idling in Bulandshehar (my in-laws home base). She understood that I place my job first and my parents second in my life and would be very reluctant to change positions for anyone. And boy, am I grateful to her that she understood.

I must admit that this feeling comes as a big relief, almost as if I knew if she hadn't said that then I would have spent long days fretting in Bulandshehar. I would have not stayed away from work for long in any case, but my MIL saying that its okay for me to stay over for just 2 nights during Diwali and then resume my work from Delhi made things much more amicable and definitely a lot more acceptable.

When you turn into a weekend chef

Let me begin by confessing that I like to cook and I am not a staunch feminist who looks down upon housework or kitchen queens. I merely don't don the chef's hat often enough because I'm a working woman with fluctuating work hours. Hence, I have happily chosen the faster cooking methods like buying chapatis from the canteen in office, instead of toiling with the dough at home and keep a steady supply of ready-to-eat gravies/curries, and eggs of course which come really handy in dishing up a complete meal.

Mind you, I do love my dal chawal, rajmah, kadhi, aloo tarkari, koftas, palak paneer and cook it regularly (even on workdays) to tickle both my husband's and my taste buds. It's not always a short-cut for me.

PS: I don't have a servant to do the cooking because I prefer to eat a fresh hot meal. And plus, I like cooking, as mentioned above.

Coming back to the present, weekends just like every professional human being are much-awaited days for me. Pardon me, but I lust after a leisurely Saturday morning or an equally lazy Sunday morning so that I can sip my masala tea, have a late brunch and watch some inane tele-serials. Weekends are meant to lounge around in your shorts and uncombed hair, and have chips & Pepsi or Maggi or whatever you wish for that matter.

But if you have in-laws (or for that matter any elderly relative) over (and if they aren't used to your lifestyle) then everything has to be underplayed. Saturdays turn into days when elderly guests expect you to be out of bed and get in the kitchen. And then begins the day-long cycle of tea, breakfast, brunch, lunch, evening snacks, tea, cold drinks in between, and then dinner. Not to mention, a sweet savory to complete the day's routine. All this while, there is an additional task of making sure that the grocery and vegetable stocks are maintained to battle out another grueling day and that's Sunday.

It barely matters if you are a post-graduate or even more qualified woman. You are the mistress of the house and you are expected to be in-charge of the kitchen.

Sunday's are another nightmare. While you are battling your hiccups about a working Monday, your guests at home are wondering what new cuisine they will get to sample from your kitchen. And mind you, there's not much of a choice that you get when guests innocently ask you, "We heard that you can cook some really nice Indian fusion." You have to click your heels and get back to kitchen and think what fusion you can come up with on an erstwhile lazy Sunday.

How I wish I had married a chef instead of an investment banker, at least he could have been of some help in cutting and chopping piles of onion, garlic and tomatoes.

As I have confessed right in the beginning that I am a lazy bum on weekends, thus I find the 'mentioned routine' very tough to embrace. I admire the homemakers who do these tasks efficiently. I am really not beguiled by the charms of spending my weekends in kitchen, sweating away.

Parents-by-Law (Part 2)

Most people (read married women and men) hear the term in-laws and the first reaction is "cringe". Speaking strictly for myself, I was fed on pictures of meddling, noisy and judgmental overseers who think we’re never good enough for their baby. Worse, movies and matrimonial horror stories too told us that dealing with in-laws is directly proportional to hating and bitching about them.

However, no one prepared me to deal with the opposite?

I have to admit that I was extremely apprehensive about my in-laws second annual visit to my teeny-weeny house in Mumbai. The first time, it 4 months after my marriage so nothing could spoil the joyride -not even a visit from the in-laws. This time around, however I was a nervous wreck (as mentioned in the previous post)

But as I write this post, I realise they are genuinely interested in my marriage but by tradition, they must perform the role of a watch dog. I also finally got it that every single effort of mine to know more about my in-laws and what they see as good in marriage has benefited me. For instance, when I saw my father-in-law attending to his wife's joint pains and caring for her food habits, I was genuinely impressed by the subtle way of caring for one another. And I said so too. In return, I was treated with anecdotes and stories about the old couple's bitter-sweet struggles with each other. It was sweet and hilarious.

Yes, I do wake up to the TV blaring about some yoga pose or some Godly tales recited in the most shrieky tones. But I also get a ready supply of milk, curds and other tid-bit groceries, which till 3 days back, was my headache.

I do have to deal with some hygiene issues (since I maintain a well-sanitized house)...but in return, I also get two very happy and content faces when I enter my home in evenings.

I still cannot criticize their son (even on a lighter note)...but in return, when my father-in-law decides to chide his wife and son, then I am the most sought after audience by him.

I do have to mind my behavior and keep it at a demurely respectful levels (I can be quite brash otherwise) but then my in-laws do not impose strict rules like conservative dressing or play-acting the TV serial daughter-in-law with all her married embodiments.

Parents-by-law

I have lived exactly 6 days and 5 nights with my parents in-laws in their home in Bulandshehar (somewhere in UP). And they have lived for 14 days and 13 nights at my home in Mumbai.

Their forthcoming visit (starting June 9)will be my third (post marriage) meeting with them. Quite predictably, I'm jittery and nervous and to add to my woes, I am being constantly reminded that it's my 'inspection time.' (courtesy friends and everyone around me) Worse, I followed an advert link on my Google homepage that led me to this.

"Partners will have expectations of continued involvement with each of his family member, which can result in you (that's me) having to develop cordial relationships with his mother, father, and siblings – regardless of your feelings about them. In addition, these people have all had a relationship with shared memories -- good and bad -- that are not part of your relationship. This alone can trigger uncomfortable feelings for someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), as BPs may have a great deal of difficulty knowing how to relate to these seemingly random people."

This piece of information led me to think and reason about my increased sensitivity to rejection, which also make me think that my in-laws could be unhappy with me or even reject. So, what does that mean? Am I the one with BPD...when did that happen? Did my marriage turn me into a BPD?

A deep breath. The post is to highlight how anxious an average married woman feels when her in-laws come visiting. And it has nothing to do with arranged or love marriage. In my case, (as my husband lists) it is about whether they will approve of my domain --my home.
"It is the anxiety and much-created hype around the relationship that takes its toll," explains my husband.

To an extent he is correct. He estimated my mental state, after he saw the groceries that I had bought, in anticipation of my in-laws' arrival. My kitchen now has extra dinner sets, an array of ready-made meals (in case the food is burnt or too salted or too oily) along with a more-than-sufficient ration of pulses and best Basmati rice.

My own explanation to this "in-law phobia" is probably the difference in upbringing (between me and my husband's). I know that every family has its own values, traditions and routines. Everything, from the way children should be brought up to how housework should be done, is deeply ingrained in a unique family blueprint. And as far as I see, my in-laws' blueprint is very different from mine. This predictable strikes off a set of differences of opinion and problems.

I know, from my mother-in-law's last visit, that she does not expect me to return home from a hectic work day to slave off in kitchen. She in fact, keeps a hot meal ready by the time I reach home, a luxury for any working woman. My father-in-law, who loves his morning walks, loves to go out with me for a peaceful walk. I am not expected to prance around in sarees, although I know they would ideally like to see me in a traditional Indian outfit once in a while. They like my cooking and say it too. We have never had a disagreement among ourselves.

I do feel that my mother-in-law does have a softer corner for my husband (over me), but can I really blame her for that? Doesn't my mother display a more than affectionate side when she comes visiting me? And, if all the above are true, then why do I still feel anxious?